About once or (rarely) twice a year, I am truly productive. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. It's not that I'm lazy or don't care to get things done, it's just that only once or twice a year I find this little burst of energy and direction to get things done. And then I do it. Often until then, everything just piles up and waits for that time of year to arrive. I never know when it is going to be. It seems that for 2010, today is the day. For weeks and months my office workspace has been a complete disaster. I really do not know where everything is, and some of those things are more important than others. Somehow I have managed to succeed at my job. At home, we have managed to keep our main apartment clean and fairly organized (despite the box of opened important mail that needs to be filed). However, our second bedroom is still a complete disaster of boxes and random objects. We have to go in there to use the computer and jump over things. Once we get our wireless router and can move the computer to other rooms in the house, there's no telling how long it will take before we tackle that room. Hopefully some of my energy will keep when I get home to begin some of that project. I'm not promising anything.
I remember in college suffering from the same problem. High school the same. I seem to really have an awful time focusing on a task or project, and usually end up with several open projects that remain unfinished. Then, when that time of year arises, I will stay up all night and complete all the projects at once. And I usually do a damn good job. But I just wish I had this energy and motivation more times a year. So much more would get done.
As far as work is concerned, I have a feeling that my lack of satisfaction with my current job status contributes to my low motivation levels which also contributes to my sloppy organization. But be disorganized here just makes me feel worse about everything. I can't wait until the end of today with things are looking better. I plan to purchase some cheap filing boxes and paper trays tonight to help with some of the organization of my materials.
I really thing that I have an attention deficit that was never diagnosed. I remember in fifth grade my mom took me to the psychologist to be tested for ADD, and I was right on the line of a diagnosis, so they decided I wasn't. But I still think I do. I also feel like I have had a learning disability my whole life that was never addressed. It always has taken me longer to complete academic tasks than most people, and I have difficulty concentrating and understanding many concepts. My main strength in academics has always been writing and reading. My writing abilities have bailed me out many times from failing or screwing up a test or project. Kind of like how Tori Amos would keep from failing classes by writing a song for the teacher about the topic they were studying. Sometimes, we just have to do what we can to compensate for the skills we lack. I see that a lot with the autistic kids I work with as well. The worse thing I ever did to compensate for my disorganization was for a project we had to do in college where we had to videotape ourselves administering a psychological test on a test subject. I had part of the tape, and then the Mom had to take the kid home early and we never were able to touch base and finish. I knew if I didnt turn the tape in that I would fail the class. So I just turned in one of my Dad's recorded-from-tv tapes of The West Wing. Somehow, I got an A in the class. She must have never viewed anyones tapes and just looked over the tests and checked off that they had turned them in. My friend and I used to joke that when I got up there to get my diploma there would no certificate inside but instead there would be a yellow note that said "GOTCHA!"
I struggled to get through school, but I made it. However, that doesn't mean that it's over. I still find myself struggling to concentrate and complete tasks in my everyday working life, and wishing it would get better. I wish these things had been confronted long ago, but now it's up to me to have it worked though. In the meantime, I look forward to days like these wear I have to focus and attention to tackle the projects that have piled up and get my stuff together.
